Chapter 11: Umbrella eulogy
April showers, brings mass umbrella casualties. Let us remember all the umbrella's lost in the great Lisbon rainstorm of 2024.
It is with great sadness to announce the passing of dozens of umbrellas after Lisbon’s most recent rain events. I’d like to think you passed peacefully, but upon discovering your twisted and mangled corpses, I know it was violent and lonely. I’d like to honour these community members, who give so much to humans, but I must call upon the disrespect they receive in death.
Every year a billion umbrellas die, which is enough metal waste to build 25 Eiffel Towers and enough polyester waste to cover New York City according to Hedgehog Umbrella. It’s an alarming trend, but what is even more disturbing is the disgusting treatment these rain soldiers face.
It doesn’t matter their tenure protecting a nation from rain. What matters is they were loyal, waiting in buckets, drawers, hanging from hooks or hidden in the back of closets all waiting to be called to duty to do the job they loved most - shielding us from rain of varying temperatures and that showered us from different directions. They ensured we got to that interview or date as dry as can be. That our hair was still perfectly intact after the hours styling it with various products and sprays. They sheltered us on the darkest days of the year when many of us didn’t even want to get out of bed and venture into the world. If they were lucky they’d be called to duty on a sunny day, but that was more the job of their cousin the beach umbrella or parasol.
They never complained about their jobs, like most humans do. They cherished being selected to be your companion and marvelled at the sites and sounds they experienced as they travelled with you throughout the city - and for the lucky few around the world.
But like humans, not all umbrellas are the same. Some are born strong and others weak. Some age more rapidly than others, while some can take years before their joints begin to wear down.
As much as umbrella’s believe they are family, many are not treated as such. Sometimes one violent gust of wind is all it takes for their ribs to snap, disconnecting the tip from the canopy. Sometimes they invert themselves where their stretcher and ribs reverse exposing the interior canopy to the world. Other times the wind is so forceful, they collapse into themselves and every rib in their body snaps.
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Many are not taken back home so that their object friends in the baskets, closest, drawers or on hooks, can say goodbye. They are rarely tossed away in private trash cans where their bodies are respected. No. Once their body gives up, they are abandoned in ditches, roadside gutters or in the middle of streets where they are crushed by passing cars. Others are stuffed in trash bins treated like the skin of fruits or packaging. Regardless of where, in these situations their mental pieces are exposed, canvases twisted and handles snapped. They are left for days, cold and alone. Even abandoned in death they are not celebrated, but called trash or an eyesore by people who spot them. Maybe a good samaritan will pick them up and place them in the bin, but that is rare.
Umbrellas do not deserve this treatment after their passing. They deserve something more dignified for their dedicated service to us humans.
I’d like to end by acknowledging that these lost umbrellas are survived by their many mass-produced siblings living in homes or waiting to be purchased as well as their parasol and beach umbrella cousins.
In lieu of flowers, their community ask you to stream the song Umbrella by Rihanna to support an artist who truly saw them and an avid supporter of the umbrella cause.
May all the umbrellas lost today, transition to a place with eternal sunny skies, where they can live in peace.
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